When you're in a relationship and also engaging in "sugar dating," you often struggle with the dilemma of whether you should tell your partner about the relationship or keep it a secret.
Some people may continue their activities despite feeling guilty or ashamed, due to financial reasons or goals they want to achieve.
This article will provide a detailed, multifaceted explanation of the realities faced by those who engage in "sugar dating" while also having a partner, the advantages of disclosing it versus keeping it a secret, and the associated risks.
Airi
Hi everyone! I'm Airi, 28 years old, and I've been doing sugar dating for 5 years. I've met about 25 people so far and earned a total of 400 million yen. Currently, I earn an average of 10 to 15 yen per month, and I share my experiences and insights about sugar dating.
Are people who already have a partner or significant other participating in this?
It's not uncommon for people to engage in "sugar dating" (compensated dating) even if they already have a boyfriend or partner.
The motivations for doing so vary widely, from supplementing living expenses and tuition fees with current income, to raising funds for future dreams and goals, or even seeking interaction with men of a different type than their current partner.
This section, incorporating survey results, delves into the realities of how men and women in relationships engage in "sugar dating" and maintain their relationships.
I conducted a survey.
To investigate the reality of "sugar dating" while already in a relationship, this website conducted its own survey.
The survey was conducted using the X (formerly Twitter) format, targeting men and women with experience in "sugar dating" (compensated dating).
First, here are the survey results from women (71 participants).
Next is a survey conducted among men (71 people).
This survey revealed the worries that many people face and the real situations that are not easily discussed publicly.
Questionnaire results
When asked, "Are you currently in a relationship or with a specific partner and engaging in 'sugar dating' (compensated dating)?", 70% of women and 81% of men answered "yes."
These results suggest that over 7% of men and women are balancing a partnership with "sugar dating" (compensated dating).
Activity styles of men and women who are in a relationship and also engage in "sugar dating"
Many people in relationships establish their own rules for their lifestyle to avoid relationship breakdowns.
The most common approach is to strictly adhere to a "no-adults" style, where dates consist only of meals or shopping, with absolutely no physical intimacy.
This allows me to compartmentalize it as a "business" to receive financial support, and to draw a line in my mind that it's not a betrayal of my girlfriend.
Furthermore, many people prioritize spending time with their significant other, meticulously managing their schedules and only engaging in activities during weekday afternoons or free time when they cannot meet.
In terms of financial management, I take great care to prevent my partner from finding out about my activities, such as receiving my allowance in cash and creating a separate bank account.
Is there any benefit to telling your significant other?
Confiding in your partner about engaging in "sugar dating" is an extremely courageous decision that carries the risk of ruining the relationship.
However, there are also benefits to being honest. It can lead to greater emotional stability by freeing you from guilt, and it's not impossible that it could deepen the trust between you and your partner.
Of course, when you decide to confide in someone, you need to carefully consider their personality, values, and the nature of your relationship up to that point.
Here, we'll take a closer look at the specific benefits of telling your partner you're engaging in "sugar dating," after overcoming significant risks.
Understanding your loverYou may be able to obtain
By being completely honest, you may gain your partner's understanding of your activities.
In particular, if you have a clear and unavoidable purpose, such as paying off tuition fees, debts, or future business startup capital, the other party may be more understanding.
The important thing is to honestly explain the background and reasons why you felt you had no choice but to resort to "sugar dating."
In rare cases, for couples whose relationship is based on deep trust rather than superficiality, difficulties can become an opportunity to overcome them together, and in fact, deepen their bond.
However, this largely depends on the other person's values, so it's best to avoid having excessive expectations.
It is easier to maintain mental stability
Continuing to engage in "sugar dating" while keeping it a secret from your partner involves significant mental stress, such as the fear of being found out someday and the guilt of lying.
If you take the plunge and confide in someone, and if you can gain their understanding, you will be freed from these pressures.
Since you will no longer need to keep secrets, you will be able to face your partner with honest feelings and regain your peace of mind.
Being able to go about your daily life without feeling guilty will have a positive impact on your relationship with your partner, allowing for a healthier and more open relationship.
This helps mitigate risks in case something unexpected happens.
Sugar dating always comes with unpredictable risks, such as financial disputes with the partner or even stalking.
If you're working alone and get into trouble, you might not have anyone to talk to, which could worsen the situation.
In that respect, if your partner is aware of the situation, they can be your closest confidant in case of an emergency.
This prevents you from having to shoulder the problem alone, increasing the likelihood of a quick resolution.
Furthermore, being honest with your partner yourself, rather than having it indirectly revealed by a third party, can minimize the shock and distrust your partner might experience if something unexpected happens.
Benefits of not telling your partner
While there are advantages to telling your partner, as a staff member, I believe the advantages of not telling your partner far outweigh the advantages.
So, what are the actual advantages of not telling your partner?
- The secret will be kept.
- Trouble can be avoided
- Reducing mental burden
The secret will be kept.
The fact that someone is engaging in "sugar dating" is extremely private and sensitive information.
By keeping this information to yourself, you can completely control the risk of it being unintentionally revealed to others.
Even with a trusted partner, there's always a small chance that the information you confide in could accidentally leak to friends or family.
It's possible that something might be revealed emotionally during an argument, or that something was said unintentionally.
Choosing not to say anything is the surest way to protect your secret and prevent your private activities, such as sugar dating, from spreading unexpectedly.
Trouble can be avoided
Revealing the fact that you're engaging in "sugar dating" can be the biggest cause of serious trouble in your relationship.
If the other person has a strong aversion or distrust towards "sugar dating," it will be difficult to gain their understanding no matter how sincerely you explain the situation.
The discussion could escalate into an argument, potentially leading to mutual hurt. In the worst-case scenario, the relationship could fall apart that very day, resulting in a breakup.
Choosing not to say anything is the simplest and most effective risk management strategy to avoid creating the seeds of such a fatal problem yourself.
Reducing mental burden
Keeping a secret is stressful in itself, but you need to weigh that against the potential emotional burden that might arise after revealing it.
Even if your partner forgives you once, you might start living a life where you constantly worry about their reaction, wondering if they actually don't like it or if you're forcing them to do something they don't want to do.
You may experience new forms of mental stress, such as feeling guilty after each date or becoming anxious about your partner's minor words and actions.
By not saying anything, you can avoid causing the other person distress and prevent awkwardness from arising in the relationship.
This could be considered a form of consideration for the other person.
Are there people who feel guilty while engaging in "sugar dating"? (Survey)
Whether or not you feel guilty when continuing to engage in compensated dating without your partner's knowledge is an important issue.
To understand the reality of this feeling, we conducted a survey asking, "Do you feel guilty about engaging in compensated dating secretly from your partner?"
▼This question is for those who have a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife) who is (or was) engaging in "sugar daddy" activities.
The question was: Do you feel guilty towards your partner about (or having) engaged in "sugar dating"?
Yes (only rice with tea)
Yes (involves adults)
None (only rice with tea)
No (involves adult relationships)
They each made a choice from the following options.
The results suggest that many respondents feel some form of guilt while engaging in their activities.
While specific figures were not available, this trend likely reflects the conflict many people face between their economic needs and their feelings for their loved ones.
It seems that in many cases, while gaining financial benefits, people are tormented by the feeling that they are deceiving their partners.
Why do I feel guilty towards my boyfriend?
The root of guilt is primarily the feeling that you are "betraying your lover."
Even if there is no physical relationship, the act of spending time with other men and receiving financial support from them is perceived as dishonest to one's partner.
Furthermore, self-loathing for continuing to lie is also a major contributing factor.
Every time I tell my dad a false reason like "I'm having dinner with friends" or "I'm working overtime" to meet him, my conscience aches.
Furthermore, if situations arise where you are unable to respond to your boyfriend's messages or have to decline a date invitation while you are with your sugar daddy, it intensifies the feeling that you are neglecting your boyfriend, further amplifying your guilt.
How to overcome guilt about sugar dating
While it's difficult to completely eliminate feelings of guilt, it is possible to alleviate them through changes in mindset and behavior.
One approach is to reaffirm your purpose for engaging in "sugar dating" and justify it to yourself.
If you have specific and positive goals, such as "saving money for the future" or "paying for tuition to obtain qualifications," you can position your activities as an "investment in the future."
Furthermore, setting personal rules such as "never having a physical relationship" or "always prioritizing promises with your partner" and strictly adhering to them can also be a source of emotional support.
Having a strong will to never cross this line is what helps me maintain my composure.
Using the money to buy a gift for your partner or giving something back to the relationship in some way can also help alleviate feelings of guilt.
What would actually happen if I told my boyfriend/girlfriend?
If you reveal to your partner that you're engaging in "sugar dating," the subsequent developments will vary greatly depending on the couple.
While there's a high risk of the relationship falling apart, there's also a non-zero possibility that everything will be accepted and the bond will deepen.
What ultimately determines the outcome is the partner's own values and ethics, the depth of the trust they have built together up to that point, and, above all, the way they communicate.
In this section, we will explore in detail the various possibilities that could arise if you actually confide in someone, from positive scenarios to the worst-case scenarios.
There are P's and PJ's who have actually come forward and said they are engaging in "sugar dating."
▼This question is for those who have a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife) who is (or was) engaging in "sugar daddy" activities.
Regarding engaging in (or having engaged in) "sugar dating," have you told your partner about it? (Is your partner aware of it?)
In response to that question, I have created the following four options.
- 24.1% of people are communicating this (activity style: only tea and meals × truly only tea and meals).
- 6.9% (including adults) have shared the information.
- 17.2% of people communicate this (even adults do, but they only mention that they are eating).
- Nothing has been communicated (including adults).
The relationship with your partner may deteriorate.
The most likely outcome when revealing that you're engaging in "sugar dating" is a deterioration of the relationship.
Even if there is no emotional outburst at the time, feelings of distrust and suspicion such as "Why didn't she rely on me?" and "Is there really no physical relationship?" will be deeply etched in the lover's mind.
This can lead to constant tension between the two of you, causing you to doubt each other over trivial matters and leading to more arguments.
It will be extremely difficult to return to the pure trust you once shared, and there's a high probability that you'll continue to have an awkward relationship where you can't truly enjoy each other's company.
It's not easy to bridge a gap once it's been created.
The possibility of choosing to break up
You must be fully prepared for the possibility that confessing this could not only worsen the relationship but also lead directly to a breakup.
For many people, the act of their partner meeting with someone of the opposite sex for money is simply unacceptable from a moral and ethical standpoint.
In particular, the fact that this information had been kept secret until then often leads to a strong sense of betrayal and a complete breakdown of trust.
Regardless of whether or not there was a physical relationship, many people find the mere fact that it was kept a secret unacceptable, and the risk of being dumped due to a fundamental difference in values is extremely high.
There's a possibility they'll accept it.
There may be some men who accept that you are engaging in "sugar dating."
I know some women who engage in "sugar dating" with their boyfriends' approval, and my younger sister also did something similar to sugar dating, stemming from her time as a hostess at a cabaret club, but her husband knew about it.
However, my younger sister was doing sugar dating without any physical relationship, and yet my brother-in-law, who was going to be her husband...
Airi
Once you've saved up some money, I hope you'll quit your job that involves interacting with the opposite sex as soon as possible.
That's the impression I get of him saying all the time.
👇I actually found examples on social media of men who, knowing that a woman is (or has been) engaging in "sugar dating," still choose to "love her for who she is, including all of that."
It's obvious that there are all sorts of people in the world with different ways of thinking, for better or for worse.
It might be helpful to know that what's normal for you isn't necessarily normal for others.
We conducted a survey to find out if there had been any changes in their relationship with their partner.
We conducted a survey of 14 people who had confessed their involvement in "sugar dating" (compensated dating) and asked them, "Has your relationship with your partner changed since you confessed?"
The most common response was "We didn't break up, and I was actually very interested," accounting for 64% of the total. The next most common response was "We didn't break up, but they were furious."
These results clearly demonstrate how high the risks are when disclosing the fact that you are engaging in "sugar dating." If you wish to maintain the relationship, you must make an extremely careful decision.
Is it okay to keep my sugar daddy activities a secret from my boyfriend?
Many people choose the path of "not speaking up," but that is by no means a safe option.
As long as you keep a secret, you're always living with the risk of it being exposed.
If you don't get caught, there won't be any problems, but cracks can appear from unexpected places, such as smartphones, social media, or mutual acquaintances.
This section will explain in detail the difficulties of keeping secrets, the specific situations in which secrets might be exposed, measures to prevent exposure, and how to deal with the situation if a secret is discovered.
What is the likelihood of being found out?
The likelihood of being caught depends largely on how thoroughly you implement countermeasures, but it's impossible to eliminate it completely.
In particular, the closer you are to your partner physically and temporally—for example, if you live together or see each other frequently—the higher the risk of them noticing subtle changes in your relationship.
A single notification on your smartphone or a suspicious receipt could be fatal.
Furthermore, even if you think you've kept it perfectly hidden, there are cases where it can be exposed due to external factors, such as being accidentally seen in a sugar daddy situation by an acquaintance or having your secret social media account identified.
You should understand that complacency and overconfidence, such as thinking "I'll be fine," are what create the most dangerous vulnerabilities.
Elements that might make someone suspect they're engaging in "sugar dating" (compensated dating).
Common characteristics of women who get caught engaging in "sugar dating" (compensated dating):Even if you think you haven't changed, others may see you as having changed.There is a point.
What are the main differences?
Lately, they've been spending money like crazy.
Frequently purchasing expensive brand-name goods
My lifestyle suddenly changed
I've started taking taxis more often.
My style of date outfits has changed.
The accessories have been replaced with expensive-looking items I've never seen before.
Instagram Stories have started featuring photos of French and Italian restaurants, as well as non-conveyor belt sushi.
Oseki
Do you have any idea what might be causing this?
It's possible you're unintentionally hinting to the other person that you're looking for a sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement.
Reflecting on your own actions is the most important point for leading a peaceful sugar daddy life.
Oseki
The most important thing is to avoid doing anything that's different from your usual self!
If I act differently than usual, it's like I'm saying, "Please be suspicious of me." ✨💦
Measures to avoid getting caught and how to deal with it if you do get caught
To avoid detection, thorough countermeasures are necessary, both digitally and analogously.
On the digital side, it's essential to have dedicated communication tools and social media accounts for sugar dating, completely separate from your everyday smartphone.
On the analog side, it's necessary to be considerate by managing money received from your sugar daddy in cash and not leaving any records in a bank account, and choosing date locations far away from your partner's usual haunts.
If you do get caught, piling lie upon lie to get by is the worst possible response.
You either have to be prepared to end the relationship and tell them the truth, or you have to give a painful but consistent explanation, such as "I was consulting with an older colleague at work."
In any case, restoring trust will be extremely difficult.
Summary: Understand that sugar dating involves keeping secrets.
Engaging in "sugar dating" while in a relationship carries significant risks, whether you confide in your partner or keep it a secret.
If I tell the truth, the relationship is likely to fall apart, but if I keep it a secret, I will continue to be tormented by guilt and the fear of being discovered.
Whichever path you choose, it requires the willingness to keep secrets from your partner.
Based on the advantages and disadvantages discussed in this article, as well as the real-life experiences of many people, you need to calmly re-examine your own values and your relationship with your partner, and make a choice you won't regret.
